Thursday 9th Jun
As some may be aware, I lost my beautiful mum on 12 May 2022. What some may not know is I lost my mother as a result of suicide.
This has without a doubt been the most excruciating pain I have ever felt and a pain I never thought imaginable. To bury my mum at only 23, so suddenly, so unexpectedly. She had only just turned 45. It shouldn’t have been this way. She had so much ahead of her. To make things worse, I found out this happened the second I touched down on the other side of the country on the plane. Thank god quantas kept me on the plane and flew Rhett and I straight back. 5 hours of indescribable disbelief. I don’t remember most of it. Blacking out and being on the floor convulsing screaming, crying and on oxygen. Finding out my mum has left this earth. Never again will I get a hug. Never again will I get a kiss, reassurance, anything. Never.
You might ask why I share something so personal. In that moment. My mum thought she had nothing left in her life worth living for. Little did she know she was our whole life. Now I have a life time without my mum. My mum won’t be at my wedding. My mum won’t get to meet her grandchildren. See any of my milestones. All because of mental health. Something still to this day looked down on. And I share something so personal because if you reading this are thinking down the same avenue of my mum please don’t. There is always another way and when you think you have nothing there are so many people and family that care. If you can see the amount of pain I am in know that I guaretntee if you left this world there would be someone that would experience this heart ache I am experiencing. A way to describe it is a constant re-accruing nightmare every single morning I wake up. Having to live the nightmare over and over again. Grieving every single day. My heart having palpitations it’s beating so hard. It’s the worst pain losing a parent. It’s the worst pain not expecting it. It’s the worst pain not getting one last hug / goodbye. It’s the worst pain knowing it was suicide. Everyday I feel guilt, sadness and sorrow. The amount of “what if’s” is insane. I look through old messages and ask myself how could I not see that this was happening with what seemed so harmless at the time. Everyday I live this nightmare and it’s only whilst not even been 1 month. It’s felt like 3 days yet at the same time 3 years. It’s horrible. If this can save someone’s life. Then I have done my job.
I am doing this to start life-changing conversations and allow others to be heard during their mental health battles, this July, I am teaming up and taking on the K’s for R U OK? challenge to stay connected, develop healthy habits and help to create a world where we're connected and protected from suicide. Every day I will be consistent in clocking my K’s as I walk to help start more life-changing conversations.
I am pledging to do 62km of walking in July. I am aiming at 62km for the minimum if not more.
Your support helps R U OK? to provide essential free resources to schools, workplaces, families, and communities across Australia, and empower them to start a conversation that could change the life of someone who's struggling. Please support my efforts by donating, and together let's get everyone asking R U OK? starting conversations and changing lives!
If you would like to join my team and all come together to start these life-changing conversations, please follow this link and start the talk for Tash.
I promise mum I will talk for you.
I will continue your legacy
I WILL do you proud
I love you mum